High. Low. Sad. Mad. Happy. Scared. Discombobulated.
All of the emotions.
September was a wild ride of emotions. I’m pretty sure I’ve felt every emotion there is to feel in the last 30 days.
I started school again. My third ever First Day of College. Lucky for me, I was going back to the same college, so I had the advantage of knowing my way around the building. But it was still just as nerve-racking as my other two First Days. Though this time, I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, and a little bit more secure in who I am. It’s given me the “Idgaf” attitude. I’m not there to impress anyone, I’m only there because I have to be, and I’m going to get in, do my thing, and get out ASAP.
It’s funny when I was in PR, I remember not being able to speak up in class – to give answers, share my opinions, or what have you. If I ever decided to, I would wind up red-faced, unable to breathe, and stumbling and fumbling for words. This time around, I think my Idgaf’ness, has given me a new-found confidence. I’m able to share things and participate and not make a fool out of myself! Go Me!
But being back at Cambrian has also brought up my feelings about PR and careers. In the months since I was laid off, I’ve been dealing with feelings of being a failure and of giving up.
You see, I LOVED PR. I loved writing, I loved social media, I loved media releases, I loved event planning, I loved it all. I was enthralled with the idea of career paths in fundraising, in corporate communications, in social media. The little bit that I did work in the field, I liked what I was doing. I really truly did.
But, when the wrench of losing your job gets thrown into your plans, you start second guessing everything. Did I really like what I was doing? Am I really cut out for this? What did I do wrong? Then, you get stuck with job hunting in town where jobs in your field are few-and-far-between and competitive. So it reinforces those questions. Do I really want this? Should I go back to school? Should I just take any job to have a full-time job to pay the bills? Should I really do something that makes me happy? What even MAKES ME HAPPY? What do I want to do with my life?
So you decide to bite the bullet. You want something more than just a job, you want a career. And then you’re back in school, learning about things you never even thought about learning about. Then you’re scared. It’s all new. Are you cut out for it? Do you know how to take care of kids? To guide them? To educate them?
Then suddenly, you’re dredging up all the feelings of being a failure.
Part of me feels like I ran away with my tail between my legs after I got laid off. I feel like I let the world stop me from doing something I wanted. I feel like I failed at the one thing I did really enjoy. I feel like I gave up before I even really tried. I was still a fresh graduate. I’ve only been graduated for two years. I never even really had a chance to grow a career.
Am I a failure? Deep down, I know that no, I’m not. Did I give up a little bit too soon? Maybe. But I learned that unemployment isn’t a fun place to be. I learned that I want a career, not just a job. I also know that education is never a waste. I’m not wasting my diploma in PR by going back to school to get another diploma. Education is always a blessing. Having more than one diploma opens doors and opportunities and a wider playing field.
So, put your discombobulated feelings into perspective. Get your shit together.